Why is it that you may now find that the typical family rules seem to be getting in the way? There may be a couple of reasons. One is that you're noticing that they really are learning all the time and you hate to interrupt them ... they certainly don't like it much either. You question which is really more important - what they are doing / learning at the time or eating dinner at 6pm? Another reason may be that as you start to question how learning really happens you realize that they learn better through real life experience, not by being told what to do. Well, I guess they do learn to do what they're told but that's not too high on my list compared to learning how to analyze a situation and think for themselves. And you question what learning is valuable for living and you realize that learning about themselves and how they "tick" is really important. You may decide that eating when they're hungry and sleeping when they're tired, instead of watching the clock to tell them when to do these things, are good habits to get into!

So, you decide that hard and fast rules no longer fit in with your unschooling lifestyle, but now what? What else can we use to guide our actions? This is regularly discussed on the email lists I participate on and the idea of replacing rules with principles really makes sense. Principles allow us to analyze any given situation to get the best outcome, instead of potentially resorting to "breaking the rules". Through this process you model for your kids how to make good decisions. Take some time to think about your family's guiding principles. Use these when talking with your kids as situations arise instead of falling back on a fixed set of "rules" which may or may not apply well to the situation on any given day.

One tip for the transition though, don't just announce to the kids that all rules are off. Removing all the structure they have known in their lives is like breaking a couple legs on that scaffolding they are standing on! It can really throw the kids for a loop. Instead, try to just stop announcing the rules themselves. If you let them know dinner's ready and they say they want to finish up what they're doing first, happily say "okay". If it's bedtime and they want to finish up what they're doing first, smile and say "okay".

Even better, don't point out the time on the clock at all, just ask them if they are getting tired and want to go read a story in bed (or whatever your evening routine). If you want to tidy up the family room ask if they have a few minutes to help but respect their "no" and don't try to coerce them. If you have concerns just discuss them! Model the thought processes you go through to make a good decision. But don't keep at them until they change their mind to your mind, that's just head games. Let them know your concerns and leave it at that. If it works out the way you foresaw, don't berate them with "I told you so"; they will have learned something all on their own so let them own it; it will mean a lot more.

Cool!

Here's something I wrote on an email discussion list on the topic of rules vs principles back in November 2003:

Here's one that happened last night / this morning:

My son Joseph (he's 11) has been staying up late for a couple months. We have asked him to please turn off the lights before he goes to sleep. But it's not a "rule". If the rule was to be allowed to stay up late, you must turn off all the lights before you go to sleep, we'd be having regular conflicts about it. But having the principle of not wasting money, allows us to work towards it together, not against each other. Since I first mentioned it to him he's been pretty good about it .. I'd say 70% of the time I get up in the morning the lights are off. When they are left on, I understand that he probably got really tired, or was distracted by something he was doing and forgot. I know he's not leaving them on just to piss me off. I'll usually mention sometime the next day that I noticed a lot of lights on when I got up and could please try and remember to turn them off. That's it - no hassle, no shame. Last night around 1:30am when I woke up and wandered back to my bed from my daughter's room I noticed that many lights were on (we have an open staircase) and I quietly called to him. He was in the family room and came immediately. I asked if he could please do the rounds and turn off the lights in the rooms he wasn't in, and he did right away without a word or a huff and went back to what he was doing. Just living together in peace. It made me smile while I went back to sleep.

I still think regularly about a conversation I had with my mom a few months ago ... I think it was her first real glimpse that we were doing something different. I was telling her how we discuss and explain things with the kids (principles), and she said that there must be something they have to do just because I say so (rules). I said no, if there was something I would like the kids to do, I ask them and explain why ... there is always a reason for something, so just tell them. If they choose not to do it, I know they have considered what I said and they usually let me know their reasons (and they are usually quite understandable from their point-of-view). She tried a couple of examples, and I explained what I'd say to the kids, then in a bit of frustration she gave up and said she couldn't think of anything right then. And she hasn't brought it up since.

Just for completeness (I don't think we got this far in our conversation), if there's no real choice for the kids (like having to get someone somewhere), I explain that too and let them know I understand that they really don't want to go, but that I appreciate them doing it anyway. And I try to show it by doing something extra of their choice, either while we're out or later when we get home. This almost always works out without great anger or tantrums, because they trust me and know that I have always tried my best to minimize the times they would have to do something they don't like just because there is no other choice. That's the principle I have of trying to live life without having a negative impact on the people around me, not the rule of if I say you have do something, you do it.

The concept of rules vs. principles has really helped me shift my thinking. It's given me a good place to start when thinking situations through. Whenever I think that there is something I want my kids (or my husband for that matter) to do, I ask myself why? And when I get to the root of why, I can either explain it well to them, or come to the realization that it really has nothing to do with them, just some holdover of schoolish expectations, and I can let it go.