Sometimes we get caught up in all the things we "have to" do and begin to feel stuck. We start feeling or acting like a martyr; like we're sacrificing ourselves for others and we begin to expect those people in our lives to express appreciation for our "sacrifice". We start complaining to anyone who will listen about all the things we have to do, how ungrateful the people in our lives are, and just plain have a negative outlook on life.

But take some time to really think about it. Nobody can truly force you to do anything. Just as you can truly not force a child to do something - you can coerce and threaten and belittle - but you cannot make someone do something. There truly is no "have to". Taken to the extreme, you may think you "have to" follow the laws of your country, but if that were literally true there would be no need for jails! And there would be no civil disobedience to try to get unjust laws changed.

Now think about something else: why. If these things you "have to" do are so annoying, why do you do them? I would imagine that when you think about it you will find quite a few good reasons for the things you do day in and day out. When you bring the real reasons you are doing things to the forefront of your thoughts, they just don't seem so bad any more.

So, for example, even though you drove your son to soccer all summer and he didn't say thank you once, you are happy to do it each time because you realize why you do it: he enjoys it and his happiness is infectious, he's getting some exercise, he's spending time with people who share his love of soccer, he's learning the benefits of teamwork, his coordination is improving, and so on. Wow! Look at all those great things, you think. Of course I'll drive you! Instead of grumbling about how it always interferes with dinner and how you feel like you're constantly washing his uniform and you don't like the coach and just plain making the whole experience negative, you focus on all the great reasons for supporting this activity and do your part joyfully (which is a really soulful version of happily!)

And you may find there are things you are doing "just because" - just because you thought they were expected of you. If there are no real reasons why you are doing something, and/or no obvious benefits, consider not doing it any more. For example, maybe "everyone" in your neighbourhood is involved in soccer so you signed your son up. He is always busy doing something else when it's time to leave for practices and games and you always have to convince (coerce) him to go. He participates but doesn't really enjoy it, he grumbles about it while you're in the car and he races to return to his previous activity when he gets home. Maybe this is an activity you guys really don't "have to" participate in, even though the rest of the neighbourhood lives and breathes it.

It's about realizing that you truly do have choices in all the things you do and remembering why you do what you choose to do. I have found that just this seemingly simple change in focus about the things I do every day really gives me a whole different attitude and outlook towards life!

Very cool!

Here's something I wrote on an email discussion list on this topic back in December 2003:

<<But for many of us the idea of choosing not to meet OUR goals, not those imposed by others, is as foreign to us as the use of "have to" is to apparently others on this list.>>

But you have chosen the goals, and continue to choose to follow through with the actions to achieve those goals. For me it is a mindset. When I thought in terms of "have to" - I "have to" do such and such to achieve my goal - I found myself starting to resent the activity, having to push myself to follow through, and acting like a martyr - expecting others to express appreciation to me - for achieving what was my goal in the first place!

<< ... who fought 17 matches in one day to earn her 2nd degree black belt, who took 21 hours one semester to finish her degree before she married------who personally chose each of these goals for herself and "had to" do certain things to obtain them with all pressure being internally applied>>

I'm not saying this is the case with you, only that in situations like you've described above, a person who feels they "have to" do these things to meet their goals could quite easily find themselves complaining about it along the way - "I can't believe I have to fight another match <grumble, grumble>" or "I'm taking so many hours this semester that I'm always tired!" and expecting people to congratulate me for getting through the semester. It can lead to feeling that you have had to sacrifice to meet your goals.

But when I keep the fact that it is my choice to continue with the actions to meet my goals front and center in my mind, I also continually reaffirm that this is my goal to achieve. That though I may not find certain actions "enjoyable", I choose to participate in them to achieve my goals. Then I'm not as likely to be complaining to those around me about how I "have to" do this and that just because I want the end result. That I have not made any sacrifices, I have made choices. And with that attitude, I'm a lot nicer to be around. :-)

and a second email in the same thread:

<< a 3rd person wrote: They're not two sides of the same coin. They're different sets of life energy and different biochemical realities.>>

Yes. The actions may look the same but the entire outlook is different. This is, of course, hypothetical, but I'm trying to give an idea of how the outlook could be different.

<< original poster wrote: I committed to a black belt. No matter how long it took, no matter how many knee surgeries were involved, no matter how many times I had to drag myself out to do Kata when I wanted to just go to sleep.>>

When your alarm went off you rolled over, moaned, and realized you had to drag yourself out to do Kata because you were committed to getting a black belt. While getting ready you were wishing you could just stay in bed. You tripped over the cat and grumbled. You swore at that idiot of a driver who cut you off on the way over - "where did he get his license!!". You got there, did your thing, and drove home. Later that day as you were laying on the couch trying to get some rest, your husband asked you to help him with something. Didn't he realize how tired you were because you had to get up so early this morning?!

<< the 3rd person wrote: They're different sets of life energy and different biochemical realities.>>

When your alarm went off you rolled over, looked at the clock and realized it was going off early so you could go to do Kata. You sighed and thought about how early it was and considered just staying in bed this morning. But then you remembered how committed you were to getting your black belt, so you resolved to get up. You said good morning to the cat. You hoped that the guy who cut you off on the way over didn't get into an car accident the next time he did that. When you were done you drove home, picking up some coffee & donuts for the family on the way (okay, I admit it, I'm Canadian!). You felt good for the rest of the day because you choose to do something that brought you one step closer to your ultimate goal. When your child asked for some help getting the craft stuff down you smiled at him and said "sure, let's see what we can make!"

Which day would you and those around you prefer?